if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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