Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
