i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
