Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
