my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize