I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
