Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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