My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
