he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
