Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
