She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
