I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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