Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
