Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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