thus making me awesome and them whores
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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