There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the condom got lost in my hair
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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