I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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