We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
