clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
