I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
