i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
