How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
