Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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