Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
