I skipped work to stalk him.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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