just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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