I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
