I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
