I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize