apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We have started to decorate penises.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
