we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
do herpes really smell.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
