mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
