I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
