i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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