just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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