Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
