we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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