i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
