Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
