I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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