Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize