The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
