Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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