I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
