this will be a night to untag.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
