Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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