I'm drive I can fine osifer
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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