HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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