I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
