i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
