I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
