I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
