Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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