ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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