Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
