sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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