Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
