Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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