Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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