cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
