I want to have your abortion
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Floor bacon is actually really good
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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