It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
